Sleep Deprivation: The Newest Form of Torture

October 8th, 2008 by Rainey

Unfortunately, we in the sidewhites household have been living in a government funded study created to review the effects of severe sleep deprivation on normal humans over the course of ten months.
Of interest to the scientists is the finding that the repeated wakings throughout the night on a semi-regular but patternless basis has shown little to no ill effects on the human infant. The two adults in the study, however, have shown emotional, mental, and physical effects that have seemingly plummeted them, at regular intervals, into the doldrums of mere existence.
Brains like marbles wrapped in cotton, these human adults simply bounce from activity to activity, rarely making any real impact or progress on any given task. Some of the more recent side-effects of sleep deprivation have been:
-subject locking subject’s keys in house, forcing subject to sit in the car with the baby for half an hour waiting to be rescued. thankfully, subject’s cell phone and other personal belongings had already been placed in the unlocked car
-emotional breakdowns forcing subject to call subject’s mother on a regular basis while driving to or from office to complain or simply cry
-bone weariness
-inability to form coherent sentences
-subject has shown a dramatic increase in the time needed to perform simple tasks, including, but not limited to: taking out one’s contacts, finding one’s water bottle that was sitting in plain view on desk, answering e-mails or office questions
-reluctance to do anything constructive
And finally, and perhaps most damaging, the female subject seems to have been pulled almost completely into the rip tide of political news coverage, taking a sort of misguided refuge in NPR, Slate Magazine, and online commentary as well as other “news outlets” including the Daily Show and Colbert Report online. This election mania has frequently caused the female subject to undergo brief panic attacks similar to her normal reaction to watching Duke Basketball. Even when the team she is rooting for is up a few points, she still senses imminent doom and has to leave the room. Or, in this case, breathe into a paper bag.
Things are dire in the home of this scientific study. Sleep has reached an all time low with the sleep-deficit becoming almost unmanageable. No bailout package has been introduced. The ripple-effects this will have on the subjects’ careers, relationships, and personal well-being are hard to predict. We will report back as more updates are released.

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